Hangin' out with little ones

07.27.06

Eating out with children can be a trial despite the fact that most area restaurants have crayons and kid menus.  As a parent, that’s great and all, but if you really want to make me happy and have me come back again (this being completely a matter of personal opinion, because my fellow diners may not want me to come back ever again)  here’s a tip; give me fast service.  The faster the better because I have just about an hour from entry to complete meltdown.  Feed me quick.  Feed my kid quicker.

 

Moms want to hang with their girlfriends.  We hate saying ‘no’ all the time and we want to get out and be part of a world a little bit wider than home and work.  But it’s hard to send children to daycare all week long and then hire a babysitter on the weekend.  For one, it feels icky.  For two, we actually miss our kids.  So now and again we risk total embarrassment and say “Hey, I’ll join you guys for supper as long as nobody minds a three year old tagging along.”

 

Non-parents have no idea how much we love you, our friends, to be willing to do this in order to hang out with you.  Seriously.  We know long before we get to the restaurant that we’re going be miserable and that our child will be naughty.  This is a given particularly for dinner dates at dinner time.

 

I thought this week I might impart some serving tips to area wait-staff.  This will help me, and probably a whole bunch of other parents of toddlers and pre-schoolers.  Ready?  Set … Go.

 

Thank you for the crayons and kiddie menus you handed out when we were seated.  A separate set of menus and crayons for each additional child would be greatly appreciated.  Please come back in 5 minutes to take our order.  When you do come back bring a tall plastic glass of crushed ice and a spoon because my kid will be done with the crayons already.

 

When you submit our order to the kitchen just go ahead and yell, “Three-year-old alert – put a rush on it!”   In the end pretty much everyone in the restaurant will thank you for this.  A few people might feel annoyed when we receive our food before them even though we ordered after them.  Trust me, they will forgive you when the freak show is packing up and they realize they will be able to eat in peace.

 

If the kid’s meal comes with a dessert, bring the dessert five minutes after you bring the food.  This will give the adults an additional seven minutes to scarf down their meal.

 

Finally, don’t ever bring one check for five women and two children.  Whatever is going on in your head that you do this?  Bring separate checks.  If one is treating the rest they can certainly gather them up.  Waiting 10 minutes for the orders to be separated puts us over the allotted hour and a meltdown is guaranteed, because at that point if my kid doesn’t have a meltdown I’m going to.

 

I have spent the last hour of my life using a series phrases that all parents hate to say, mostly because kids don’t even hear them anyway:

 

Sit on that chair.  Settle down.  Be good.  Stop that.  Be patient for a few minutes.  Listen to me.  Do you want to go home right now?  I take that back, do you want to stay here forever?  Because I’ll leave you here.  I will.  STOP THAT.  I am never taking you out in public again.  Are you listening to me?  Can you just be patient for a few more minutes?  Stop that.  That’s it, you’re going right to bed when we get home.  Knock.  It.  Off.  Are you done?  Just a few more minutes.  We just have to wait for the waitress to fix our check.  Why?  Because if I bounce a check to pay for everybody’s food Dad will kill me.  A few minutes. Yes, I agree she’s not very smart.  Must you climb that?  Get down from there.  Okay, we’re leaving right now.  Get down.  Get down.  We’re leaving.  If I have to drag you by the hair out of here you’re not going to like it.  No you won’t.

 

One last word of wisdom to our child-less friends… If you really love us you’ll meet us for coffee in the morning at a McDonald’s with a Playland.  I say morning, because after twelve noon Playland turns into Screamland and it’s really not so good.  Even better than that, come over and hang out in my yard after bedtime.  We’ve got the tikki torches.  We’ve got the bug zapper.  Bring your own whatever to drink.  I’ll provide coffee and Heath Crunch pie.  And then you’ll see me relaxed.  Maybe even comatose.  If you’re lucky, you won’t see hide nor hair of my child because the NyQuil night air has worked its magic.

 

Sometimes eating out is fun.  I can’t remember any such silliness, but it does still seem to be a popular way to socialize.