Imperfections

6.14.07

I like to think that I’m not the only parent without a plan.  I’m a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of person – impetuous, spontaneous, and, unfortunately, inconsistent.  My kid does very well with structure and routine, and I suspect never knowing if I’m going to say “yes” or “no” to something is hard on her.  I’m trying to get better because I think my being a random mommy actually may increase the number and severity of her tantrums.  Which is just what everybody needs.

 

Routine and consistency are great for kids.  Heck, I proved it to myself with the whole bedtime thing.  Bedtime used to take hours and often involved shouting and begging and tears.  No more.  We’ve got an established, unwavering routine now, and I haven’t cried about bedtime for months.  Brush teeth.  Pajamas.  3 stories.  10 minutes of cuddle time designated by setting an alarm.  Sleeping child.  Yay!  Well, ok, it doesn’t always result in a sleeping child, but does result in a child who understands she has to stay in her room after the routine.  No extra stories, no extended cuddle time, no bugging mom and dad unless it’s a potty emergency.   

 

Anyway.  That’s about the only thing we manage to be consistent on.  My work schedule is random and I like it that way.  Which means her daycare schedule is random.  She’s in the habit now at bedtime of asking where we’re going in the morning, and if we’re going “early” or if we get to sleep in.  At least she’s smart enough to ask!

 

My philosophy on requests from kids has long been, “If it doesn’t matter always say Yes,” because otherwise I tend to say “no” automatically to everything, and what fun is that?  But lately I notice that I tend to say one thing, such as, “We’re just stopping for milk,” but when she asks for a lollipop or juice or chips I let her throw it in.  It’s a quarter or a dollar so no big deal.  But she said to me a few days ago, “I’m spoiled.  You buy me everything I want, Mom.”  I noted the warning bells, but didn’t quite see the fire.

 

Until we’re at a rummage sale and she wants something totally ridiculous, like a bicycle she won’t grow into for 5 more years.  I say something reasonable like, “We don’t need that.  You just got a brand new bike a few weeks ago.”  She says, “But I want it.”  I say, “No.”  And here it comes – holy tantrum hell.  Totally misery.  Any fun I was having is over now because she’s determined to be peevish and bratty.  And it doesn’t end there.  Heading home I needed to put gas in the car.  She’s been utterly unpleasant for the past two hours, and as I pull into the gas station she perks up and says, “Can I get a treat, Mom?”

 

“No.  We’re getting gas and that’s it.”  Inside the store she picks up a Tootsie-Pop.  “Can I have a sucker?”

 

“No.  We’re getting gas and that’s it.”

 

“Pretty please?”

 

“No.”

 

“But I asked nicely.”

 

“But you’ve been a brat all morning.”

 

She made a face at me and put the sucker in her pocket!  I put it back on the shelf.  She screamed and carried on for the next 8 miles.  And I thought, yep, she really is spoiled, and I really need to be more consistent about making “no” mean “No!”

 

It’s becoming more and more clear.  My parenting style is imperfect.  The other day I was going to run into the grocery store to get milk, and my girl announced she was going to get her birthday cake.  Her birthday is in August.  I was laughing as I explained why now is the wrong time to get a birthday cake.  “August will take forever, Mom, I can’t wait that long!” And then came the  genuine sobs, tears, and devastated screams of “You won’t let me have a cake for my birthday!” 

 

Sometimes she is very astute.  And sometimes she’s an irrational lunatic.  That’s kids for you, I guess.