So when did friendship turn to competition, anyway? When did the need to support one another, be soul mate to one another, become this twisted game of “I’m happier than you are, na na na na naaaa na” ?
She made some poor choices. And you stood there and said, “Hey, Stupid, you’re making poor choices.” And she said, “I know, but I can’t help it.”
And now you have your ‘I know what you did last summer’ righteous attitude saying, “I told you so,” and you want her to be sorry.
All right. Do you think she was thinking happy thoughts carving plaid patterns into her inner forearms and outer thighs with a box-cutter so she could pay, pay, pay?
When is ‘sorry’ enough? What do you want, anyway? Will her complete misery and utter destruction satisfy your need for justice, for Karma?
What kind of friend is that? Now you’re destroying everything good. There was good, and it was justas real as the bad. But you can only judge the pain. Is it pain enough? What’s enough? Who’s looking for bad Karma now?
You never wanted any of this. Well, it wasn’t your choice, was it? Completely out of your control.
Walk away. What other option is there? All you do is look for the slight, the unfairness, the pain. Why bother? If you recognize that it is impossible for her to be there for you even though you beg her and you were always, always, always there for her then for God’s sake stop begging.
Walk away. Heal. Forget about it. If it was beautiful then create beauty in its memory.
If it was pain then create pain.
Create something.
Stop being frozen.
Painters paint. Writers write. Take what you know and fling it out into the world to standalone.
It has to stand alone, doesn’t it? It has to breathe on its own merit. And so do you. So do you.
Yeah, love hurts. Tell them something they don’t know.
July 8, 2001
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