04.06.06
Ahh, the glamorous wealthy stinking rich… they have all the advantages of being able to buy the very best – the very best nannies, advice from child care consultants, and feng shui to keep them centered, grounded, and in control because god knows you can solve most of your troubles by moving your couch.
Why shouldn’t we emulate the parenting styles of the Hollywood stars?
A few things I have learned by observation…
It’s important to socialize your children. One way to do this is to show them off, and it’s even better if can teach them not to be afraid of heights and public speaking at the same time. Most importantly, however, is to be aware that bad spirits inhabit cameras and full facial exposure to such devil rays is dangerous and bad. So when you do socialize your kid by hanging him over a balcony for all to see it’s essential to cover his face. And make sure your children wear the silliest Mardi Gras masks you can find when you take them among the poor blighted masses. This is really, really important for the mental health of the child. Perhaps more important than anything else. (Thank you, Mr. Jackson)
Being photographed is very evil, and one of the most dangerous things to the health and well-being of a child. It’s so dangerous, in fact, that I’m surprised the National Safe Photography Organization hasn’t issued wider warnings about the bad spirits in cameras and how they escape via devil rays so more people can take appropriate precautions. Did you know, for example, that an infant is more likely to be hurt or injured by a Rag Mag photographer than getting into a car accident while unrestrained? Even the American Association of Photo-safety (AAP) advises driving with your infant on your lap to avoid photographers. (Thank you, Ms Spears).
Last but not least (and a little off-topic, I suppose) is the way celebrities who work with animals can raise our comfort level with creatures otherwise very scary. They know crocodiles are perfectly sensible and trustworthy individuals that can tell the difference between a dead chicken and a live newborn at four and a half feet. And crocs actually prefer to eat dead chickens. Let me tell you, that’s a load off my mind, because it’s almost the direct opposite of my parenting classes, which spent considerable time teaching how to avoid committing my child to the food chain. My class also gave the mistaken impression that reptiles carry salmonella and therefore could actually be a danger to infants and small children. But I’m really glad to have all that cleared up. (Thank you, Mr. Irwin).
Anyway, my point is… be sure to watch the stars for important parenting tips you might otherwise miss, because people with money is smart.
Sometimes all you can do is shake your head…
(note to readers ... this was intended for the parody issue, but someone else (ahem!) got my page!)
To read Stellar Parenting from the Reader Weekly archives click below:
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